Writing Wednesday #2: Depression and Writing

Depression has messed up my last two weeks. I haven't done any writing. Well, I haven't done much of
anything except read tweets, monitor Facebook, and sleep. Yes, I did celebrate Thanksgiving, but I think the only reason I did was because my stepdaughter was with us. Depression has just knocked me down, and it's different this time. In the past, when I've had a depressive episode, it lasts a few days, and I'm usually crying. I don't really cry, get angry or become frustrated anymore. I just feel numb. I feel like there really isn't a point to anything anymore. And I don't have any energy or motivation to do anything about it, which if you think about it is a good thing!

I'm reminded of one of my goals of 2013 - to work through the "to accept the things I cannot change" line of
the Serenity Prayer. Nope, I didn't really do that. And, the more I think about where I am whether due to my own actions, the actions of others, or actions beyond my control, I'm in a position I hate. I'm in a position where I think, what's the point? I need to move past this point, and some days I do. I listen to my music. I play a game with my husband or my stepdaughter. I write. I smile. I know that people say that I have a cute smile, and they love my laugh. I just wish sometimes it was more genuine than it feels. Thankfully, I have a husband who is a tremendous support and who understands that depression isn't just sadness but is actually a disease.

So for now, I'm still seeking solutions. In the last five years, I've been on seven different antidepressants
plus the over the counter Wellbutrin. I seem to develop a tolerance to every single one. Today, my doctor increased the dosage of my current one. We're going to give it another month before we discuss another change. My lovely insurance, which I thought would improve once I moved from state insurance to federal insurance (from medicaid to medicare), now creates a hardship for me to go to counseling. I haven't seen my counselor since September because first medicaid cut my insurance and then, once I became eligible for medicare, I need to pay a copay - a copay I can't afford. It's frustrating. I know there has to be alternatives... such as this afternoon.

I received a lovely massage from a graduate of the school where I once worked. It was excellent, so
fantastically thorough, and it left me feeling lighter than I've felt in a long time. The firm touch made me feel less numb, if that makes sense. This massage was a gift, which explains why I was able to get it! If I want to return for another massage, it will cost me $60/session. In my opinion, that massage was better than three weeks worth of counseling. I'm not exactly sure when the feeling will wear off, but I'd certainly like to be able to return for a massage once it does until my brain can figure out how to regulate its own hormones.

Sigh, well, this blog should be about writing, so let me conclude with telling you about my participation in NaNoWriMo and the New York Midnight Flash Fiction Challenge.

First, with NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month, in November, I only succeeded with writing 9,000 words. I'm pretty disappointed. I hoped to get more written toward the end of the month, but the depression just wouldn't allow it. I'm still working on the novel, though. I won't give it up till it's finished; I just don't know exactly when I'll finish it!

I entered the New York Midnight Flash Fiction Challenge in August. My first
submission in September earned zero points. My second submission in October earned one point. The goal was to get near fifteen points with each submission, so I was eliminated. Still, with my one point, I finished in 17th place for my group! I'm content with that. The next competition is a short story contest, so I'm thinking about entering that as well!

I can't guarantee there will be a blog tomorrow, but let's hope so!
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