#MusicMonday #2: In Memory of Emalea Erzsebet Halasz

Today marks the 5-year anniversary of my last miscarriage. We didn't name the first two babies, but with this last one, we decided to give the baby the name I always wanted for a girl - Emalea Erzsebet. I only realized after my miscarriages that Emalea was not a name I made up, but rather a type of butterly. I suppose that's fitting, as the butterfly is the symbol for miscarriages and infant loss.

So, what does this have to do with music? Music is my go-to source for happiness, solace, encouragement,

etc. I have music I rely on to help me cope during the sad moments of my life. And, I immersed myself in music immediately after my miscarriages by attending concerts that helped me avoid the pain that was unbearable. I wasn't even going to blog today because I just wanted to curl up under the covers, but instead, I put in my earbuds and hit shuffle.

Some of my favorite songs that help me when I think about my babies are Pink's Don't Let Me Get Me, Chayanne's Hasta Que El Alma Resista, Danny Wood's Let it Go, Whitney Houston's Didn't We Almost Have It All, Cee Lo Green's Forget You, Avril Lavigne's Slipped Away, Eminem's No Love, Lee Ann Womack's I Hope You Dance, and Demi Lovato's Give Your Heart a Break. It's quite an eclectic collection, but my musical taste is eclectic.

Avril Levigne's Slipped Away is the best song I've found to describe my miscarriage. There are other
songs that talk about wanting one more opportunity to see one's baby, but I'm stuck in that moment that Avril sings of so clearly that very moment when the heart stops beating. It's that moment that the name, "Mom" was stolen from me, and nothing can change it - not one more chance to see my baby. It's funny that Avril wasn't writing about a miscarriage when she wrote the song. She was writing about her grandfather who died when she was on tour, but so many women and couples have claimed the song as a testament to their feelings about losing their babies. I know I'm not the only one that can't stop thinking about that moment when her baby died.

So, now I'll return to under the covers and my music, and leave you with this thought. What songs help you deal with the most painful moments in your life?