You Gotta Let It Go

I'm sure someone at some time has said that revelation and confirmation come in strange ways, and sometimes they appear in ways where you are forced to wake up and pay attention.

After reading a quote by author, Anne Tyler, and writing last night's blog, I was chatting and tweeting with friends while listening to my collection of music on my Amazon Cloud. One of those songs hit me hard. The lyrics are as follows:

You're writing down your new years' resolution
I'm thinking to myself that it's no solution
You say how'd you end up in this situation
Just take a look at your state of desperation
Your well's run dry one more time
You just keep hanging on, and it's such a crime
You gotta let it go, come on let it go
Let it go before you lose control
You gotta let it go, come on let it go
Let it go before you lose control
You're talking 'bout your mental confrontations
You're so close to total disintegration
Well none of your prophecies have come to their fruition
Still you stagger on through life like it's just your mission
Your pocket's empty one more time
You can't buy happiness
Isn't it a crime?
You gotta let it go, come on let it go
Let it go before you lose control
You gotta let it go, come on let it go
Let it go before you lose control
Cuz you're about to lose your mind
Better take my advice cuz there's not much time
You gotta let it go, come on let it go
Let it go before you lose control
You gotta let it go, come on let it go
Let it go before you lose control

I've listened to this song many times without personalizing it, but this time I had no choice. It's strange to think it's a good thing to give up something that many would see as positive. I've been told by almost everyone that I should stay in school and finish my degree. They admire me. I know the title PhD would be amazing. But, I have to put my sanity first and my emotions. When I do that, it occurs to me that continuing my education with no passion will only continue to be detrimental to my spirit.

My resolution to write has been stalled because I've forced myself to stay in school. Subconsciously, if I couldn't work on my dissertation, I couldn't work on anything else. Making that resolution to write more articles, blogs, etc. meant nothing because I couldn't let go of something that should have still held value.

Desperation? Disintegration? Yeah, I'm there. Every time I think about what I'm not doing, I resort to irrationality. I punish myself. I blame myself. I think about how counselors have said if you don't feel motivated, do it anyway and how I just can't. Sadly, I've passed the point of disintegration. And, it's time to put the pieces back together in the best way I know how.

Staggering through life gives me this picture of me wandering aimlessly without direction. It really begs the question, why am I here? Life has to mean more than just surviving or in my case, just barely surviving. I've realized that I've stayed in school, hoping to discover who I want to be when I grow up. Working through my doctorate program, I did develop a love of research. And, now, of course, there's my writing. If I were to earn my PhD, I would be even more depressed than I am now! If I still haven't accomplished "knowing what I want to do when I grow up", what can I do? There's no higher level of school. The reality of my desire for education makes me wonder if I should quit while I'm ahead. I would hate to feel worse than how I've felt over the past four years.

Having processed all of these thoughts and with the full knowledge that I will go through a grieving process, I have decided to abandon my studies after this quarter. I can't hide from the promptings that have come through reading a stranger's words and truly listening to a favorite artist's lyrics.