My 2011 Fear (#Reverb11)

My second partial complex seizure in April of this year, which occurred just after I had rehabilitated about 90% from my first, left me with more anxiety than I've ever felt before. The anxiety was so great that it caused me to have a conversion disorder resulting in an inability to speak or walk. For almost 8 months, I have been stuck in a wheelchair and limited to communicating via writing or texting.
I have been miserable, but I am hopeful, due mostly to my husband's encouragement, that I will be able to work through all of the issues that "broke" me.

2008 and Forward
Without going into much detail, I can say with certainty that what is going on in my life right now draws its roots from 2009. They say there are hills and valleys in your life; unfortunately, my hills didn't get much larger than ant hills before I got pulled down into the valley again, both emotionally and physically.
You know when you buy one type of car, you start seeing the same make and model everywhere? I've found when I'm in this drowning deep end of depression that I see the most ridiculous words of encouragement:

  • No matter how tough life is, it's still what you make of it! So make today amazing.
  • Live beyond your limitations!
  • Choose happiness!
  • Smile when you don't feel like it!
  • I believe in being strong when everything goes wrong.
  • Consider your reactions when something shakes you.
  • If you want something to get better, be better!
Perhaps if I was just sad or in a bad mood, these words would change my attitude, but right now, they're nothing but words of ridicule, even if they are from some of my dearest friends.
I'm finding a similar reaction to people who post on my facebook, tweet me, email me, or text me. With very few exceptions, if I'm "doing" anything other than "fine", the conversation is over. It really makes me want to stay out of the world of technology. My friends know what has happened to me over the past three years: there's no need to rehash it. When I say I'm having a bad day, or I'm hurting, you can at least acknowledge those feelings rather than ignore me. All I need to hear from you is that you're thinking about me, praying for me, or sending me love.

More Seizures?
My husband says I've been broken, but I think he's only 75% right. Yes, life's events over the past few years have been more than I can bear, but there's something else.
I had been improving healthwise before my April seizure. My first seizure had left me unable to use the right side of my body, but by the beginning of January, I was walking with a cane. So shortly afterward, I was struck by another seizure.
Again, I had to deal with the doctor questioning whether I was having a stroke. And initially, my aphasia was thought to be neurological. Later, it was determined that I had experienced another seizure, and my body responded with two separate conversion disorders.
Whether true or not; whether rational or not; I now attribute improvement as foreshadowing another health crisis. Such beliefs conflict with my need to improve, but unfortunately you can't always make your thoughts and beliefs agree with each other.

As much as I need medication, counseling, and therapy; I would really be content with a mind eraser pill. Make me forget what has happened over these last three years so that I can enter 2012 feeling empowered, energized, and inspired. A girl can dream, right?

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