A Bittersweet First Day of School

I can remember the first day of school for me from first grade all the way through graduation. There were some scary times like when I had to switch schools in the middle of first grade or when I switched schools at third grade and again at seventh grade. The worst time for me, though, was the first day of school when I had to repeat fourth grade.

For the most part, though, I was excited. I loved school as much as I do now, so when the first day of school came, I typically didn't sleep well the night before. I had already planned my outfit and just needed to make my lunch. And, of course, I rolled my eyes every time my mom wanted to take a picture. I just really wanted to get to school!

Looking forward now, the first day of school is bittersweet. 

My stepdaughter starts her senior year of high school today. I actually couldn't sleep last night, but that's probably not because of my stepdaughter. She's dreading her first day because, unlike me, she doesn't like school. What's worse is they make the first day of school at her high school a nightmare! Today is the day she gets her schedule and has to figure out where all her classes are, so nothing - not even the obligatory introduction in each class - gets done. I know she's going to get home feeling exasperated, but I'm just a text away if she needs me. That's the sweet part.

The bitter? Well, I haven't really posted a lot about this on my blog, but I suppose now is a better time than any. After six years of trying, I fell pregnant for the first time in 2008 - three times actually - and miscarried all three. Two of my friends, I've known since college, were pregnant at the same time and carried their babies to term. I see their updates about their kids online, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I want to be happy for them. They have amazing families, and I suppose I could live vicariously through them, but I can't help but think, my child would be doing that. Or, I wonder, would my child like doing that? What would my child look like? And, would I be a good mom?

Today is their kids' first day of kindergarten. It's so hard to believe that it has been five years - five years where I didn't experience what they experienced and five years that I've been coping with depression and anxiety over my infertility instead.

They say that time is supposed to slowly ease the pain, but I can't yet say that it's true. Every time I see a baby or a young child, it hurts as though it was the day I miscarried. And yesterday when I saw my friends' Facebook posts of how they felt about their five year-olds starting school, it hurt really bad. It makes me wonder how I'll feel when their kids start high school. Will I still be in so much pain then? Or what about when they graduate from high school?

So, today, I'm working on refocusing. I'm blogging for the first time in a very long time. I'm thinking about grocery shopping my husband and I will do much later today. And, I'm thinking about the activities we'll do with my stepdaughter when she visits this weekend, including the New York Jets first regular season game. I know today will be a difficult day, but my closest friends know I need a little extra love, and I know they'll be thinking about me and praying for me.